I'm holding my breath a lot these days. I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it. N walks into the room, and I hold my breath. I breathe into my shoulder. I turn my head and try to suck in air from close to my body (what use that is is anyone's guess!!) or I try to discretely leave the room.
This is insane. She must feel like a leper but no matter how I rationalise this I still feel the fear. I still panic. I still want her out of the house. Part of this is of course because of her diagnosis but another part is because I fear that she won't be honest if things change.
Most people wouldn't hide a lump on their neck until it was the size of a mandarin - they would be worried but they would go and get it checked out. Most people would get it checked out months before it grew to that size.
She is instead relying on a prayer handkerchief that someone from her village has blessed that she wraps around her neck. And, it doesn't get washed as it would wash away the blessing.
I tried to talk her out of this last night.
"N. I think you should be uncovering your neck. It probably needs air to heal."
"No. It is a prayer and if I take it off it will get worse."
"Yeah well. The doctor didn't really suggest this. Maybe you could just wear it sometimes."
"NO. I have to wear it all the time."
The problem for me is also that I don't trust her to tell me if things get worse. The fact that this boil grew to such a huge size means I don't have confidence that she will tell me if she starts to cough. If she starts to feel much worse. Or if she starts to have any other symptoms. If the TB moves to her chest or becomes active.
I don't feel like I can really trust her anymore.
Part of this is, of course, money related.
For her, working overseas has been a very lucrative move. She is earning much more than she ever did back in the Philippines and this means that she is much better off financially. For her to admit that she is not well, could mean that she loses her job. It could mean that she is sent back to her family to recuperate. Instead, she wants me to look after her.
She told a friend of mine that we are like sisters.
But that is not at all how I see the relationship. I would catergorise it as that of long term cleaning lady - I am polite and pleasant to her but basically we have a financial relationship. She is hired to do a job and the emotional relationship is very small. We don't discuss personal matters, she is not affectionate to my children, we don't talk about family matters. We discuss what vegetables to cook for dinner or what priority of household chores needs to be done. And that is about it. The thing is though that living in such close proximity to another person you have to have a more formal relationship or it simply won't sustain. The person that I want to be close to is my husband or my friends. Not N.
So things are compunded by guilt. I feel guilty about my reaction to her illnes... I feel panicked about her illness and I feel mistrustful of her ability not to make financially based decsions.
At best I see this situation continuing for about a month. She sees the specialist in four weeks and we will have more information at that point. Ideally, I want her to go home and be with her family. I want her mother to take care of her and I want my house back to myself. But I also want her to get better and not suffer by being back in a third world country. And I need to protect my family.
The banker spends his days being rationale about this. Thank God I married a rationalist and as soon as he is home I feel calmer.
Today I woke up to a house reeking of vinegar. The kitchen is steaming in vinegar. The toilets have been wiped down in vinegar. The windows polished with vinegar and her lunch is simmering away on the stove in litres of vinegar.
Her mother suggested it as a way to purify the house, and to help heal her neck.
Meanwhile I am dry retching in the study. I am trying to be OK about this but I feel ill with the smell. Add to that boiled mutton and I am just about to abandon house and home.
Vinegar, boiled mutton and TB woman walking around coughing and trailing prayer handkerchiefs wherever she goes.
So today will be another holding my breath day...
7 comments:
"Transmission can only occur from people with active—not latent—TB disease." Wikipedia.
And this in fact relates to pulmonary TB, not TB of the skin.
No-one in the family is going to catch miliary TB from her. Your reaction, while totally understandable, is a bit rushed. No need to panic. She has latent TB of the soft tissues under the skin - she is NOT expelling virulent mycobacilli in her breath.
Understand the disease and try to be rational. This is not cancer, not SARS, not AIDS... She need good medical treatment, support and emotional encouragement and hopefully (80%+ chance) the drugs will work quickly and she will be cured in next to no time.
Or you could caast her adrift on a dinghy in The Channel with bell, and ask her to yell "unclean, unclean..." whenever a boat comes past. Up to you.
I know!! I know!! I spent an all nighter on the phone with hospitals, doctors and specialists getting the best information that I could. I guess the real problem is that we are all human - and not always rational. My emotional response and my rational response are distinctly separate. The thing I AM worried about is the fact that she may suffer some liver and eye sight damage from the drugs. The dctors here have indicated it will be a six to twelve month process and will involve some fairly hard hitting drugs and I am not sure that I am the best person to nurse her through this process though when she has a strong extended family back home. It is a very complicated and messy situation right now.
What I find most astounding in the distance you have immediately claimed exists between yourself and her...
Seriously Doc, all sorts of unpleasant accusations (neo-colonialist exploitation for, like duh, one...) could be legitimately levelled against you here. You have to "look into your heart" as whatisname said in 'Miller's Crossing'.
You gotta be kidding me Phil. If you read what I have written I have written truthfully about how I am feeling. I am not exploiting anyone. I am getting her the best medical treatment I can. I am paying her an excellent wage, she is doing far less work and she is able to recuperate in a good, safe environment. I can name plenty of people who would have shipped their helper out at the frst sign of any ill health. What I am doing is trying to come to terms with my fears - legitimate or not - and reconcile them with my logical and rational side.
When did you get so high and mighty? Neo-colonial exploitation??
Give me a break.
Sorry if my hasty comment upset you further in this difficult time.
"But that is not at all how I see the relationship. I would catergorise it as that of long term cleaning lady - I am polite and pleasant to her but basically we have a financial relationship."
This comment threw me, is all.
Maybe I was so blessed with The Mouse that I have perverted (not sexaully perverted!) idea of how these things work.
Yes, reading more closely and in further posts, I am reassured that you are indeed the person I always thought you were.
I think your fears are justified and reasonable, especially in light of your past health conditions, and your children.
If she's been a good worker, give her TWO months of salary as severance pay, and tell her she must find a new job. That's more than fair. Surely you haven't had her that long, just having arrived there.
No matter what people say about this not being a communicable disease, you are never going to be at ease in your own home this way.
Eileen
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