Truly, madly, deeply worrying

Feel like things are truly, madly, deeply worrying right now.

Last week N comes into the kitchen with a boil on her neck. Or so I think.

N, who followed us from Hong Kong is our domestic helper. She cooks, cleans, irons. Does all those tedious domestic things around the house that keeps it functioning and operational. I do the children - she does the house.

Anyway, she comes in with this massive lump on her neck. Having very long hair that she tends to wear down, this lump has been well and truly covered. And apparently it has been growing for the last couple of months. Once I see it ( and it is the size of an apricot) I send her down to Accident and Emergency immediately.

"God N! Go down to the hospital and get this checked out! Now!"

"It is OK. I will finish cooking dinner. Maybe I go next week..."

"No. You go now!"

So off she mopes with a piece of paper in hand asking her to write down the name of the doctor, the diagnosis and the treatment.

She comes back four hours later.

"So what happened?" I query.

"Well. Um. I saw the doctor ... " she peters out.

"Which doctor?"

"The doctor at the hospital."

"I know that N. Which doctor did you see?"

"Oh. The Indian one."

"And his name???"

"Um...."

"Fine. So what did the Indian doctor say?"

"Well, he say..."

"Yes..."

"He say that he looked at my neck."

"Yes???"

"Anyway I have medicine."

Great. So she saw someone, who diagnosed something and gave her some medication. No idea who she saw, what they diagnosed or what the medicine is.

So next day, I head back down there with her and we see another doctor.

This doctor takes one look at her and immediately swabs her neck, takes a culture and sends if off to pathology. He thinks it isn't cancer but is concerned.

A couple of days later I get a call from the hospital.

"Hi. It is Dr L. I have N here with me and she wants me to talk to you. Basically N has a form of latent tuberculosis.

Fuck!!!!

Everything goes pear-faced at this point in time. My heart is racing. As a chronic asthmatic who lived in Hong Kong during SARS, I am probably best described as having marginal health anxieties. Others would be less charitable and say I am a hypochondriac. And suddenly I am living with someone who has some form of TB.

In my house.

With my children.

The thing is that I have fought for my life a number of times in an oxygen tent. I have had life threatening asthma attacks. I work hard to stay controlled and regulated. I religiously take my medication, I exercise and stay fit. I take vitamins to counter the effect of steroids. I monitor my calcium intake. I avoid triggers and all of a sudden I have my worst nightmare in my house.

I basically have to fight really, really hard not to really, really panic.

The banker calls and asks me what I want to do.

And my response? Throw her out of the house and burn her possessions. Everything is a negotiation from that point onwards.

Yet I also have a completely rational side that says to myself. "Don't be an hysteric. Get the information. Think calmly. Breathe. The hospital wouldn't let her walk out of there if she was infectious."

The other side of me is still screaming and running in circles in utter panic.

Calm side googles TB.

Panicked side pulls my T-shirt up into a makeshift face mask and tries to hold my breath.

Calm side asks N how she is feeling and tells her to telephone home. Encourages her to talk to her family. Explains the situation to her boyfriend.

Panicked side of me sprays the phone with disinfectant before I use it.

Calm side gets out a highlighter and reads about Active and Latent TB.

Panicked side stocks up on N95 face masks and opens all the windows. Then sits in the car with the doors locked.

Sigh....